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Relationships are a funny thing. The more you get to know someone, the more casual the relationship becomes. The more casual the relationship becomes, the more comfort you find in being yourself and communicating openly with the other person. The more open you become the greater the chances are that you will use less care when communicating. The less care you show the more problems you will have. We actually show more care with people we just met than with the people we live with.
In order to develop strong, long lasting relationships we need to become intentional in our thinking about how I will communicate. I was made painfully aware of this truth some years ago when my wife, who can overhear my many conference calls during the day in my home office, commented that she wished I would talk to her as kindly as I talked with the people at my work. Ouch! That hurt, but it was true. We often take more care with casual acquaintances than we do with our most meaningful relationships.
Unconditional Positive Regard
The first place I like to look when I am struggling with a relationship is acceptance. Do I accept this person for what and who they are? I have heard acceptance defined as unconditional positive regard. I love that and thought it captured perfectly what it means to be accepting of others. No matter what they have done, no matter where they have been, I accept you. Your past is your past, it does not affect me and I do not judge you for it. I have unconditional positive regard for who you are today. “Unconditional” is the operative word in that definition and the one most of us have trouble getting past.
5 Steps to Increasing Your Acceptance of Others:
- Exhibit Grace – I find that I am much quicker to give myself grace for mistakes I make that I am to give grace to someone else. Why is that? Develop the mindset that just like you, other people have not “arrived”. We all have struggles and we all need help.
- Exhibit Mercy – I find that it is easier sometimes to just turn away from a difficult relationship and let the other person struggle with their own situation. Develop the attitude that everyone deserves a chance to pull things together and showing mercy or compassion is a nice way to help them in this pursuit.
- Exhibit Forgiveness – I find that it is easier sometimes to hold an offense over someone’s head and use it for my benefit than it is to just forgive them and move on. I have heard it said that if you cannot forgive and forget, then pick one.
- Exhibit kindness – it cost nothing to just be kind to other people. It is a sad commentary on our society today that you will probably stand out when you show kindness for no obvious reason. I gave up the last chicken meal on a flight last week to a guy in the last row who was told they did not have any more chicken meals. You would have thought I had offered him a gold coin. Everyone in my section was whispering about the weirdo that gave up his meal. It never hurts to show kindness to others. The pasta was fine with me.
- Exhibit Humility – But for the grace of God, there go I. I am often reminded of the grace, mercy, forgiveness and kindness that I have been shown over the years of my life. Any feelings of accomplishment or pride need to be quickly put aside in favor or lifting others higher than ourselves.
Showing unconditional positive regard for another is a choice. And the choice becomes more difficult the closer you get to someone. The more you know about them the easier it is to focus on the faults than it is to show grace, mercy, forgiveness, kindness and humility. But once you begin to show unconditional acceptance of those closest to you the deeper those relationships will become.
