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In lesson #1 we learned about acceptance and unconditional positive regard. Today I would like to look at lesson #2 in building strong relationships and that centers around the concept of appreciation. William James once observed that, “The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated”. Some people will put more emphasis on it than others, but everyone recognizes and welcomes the appreciation of others.
Sailing Past a Thank You
I am pretty sure if I were to ask you to tell me what it means to appreciate someone, you would tell me that we need to say thank you more to the people that mean the most to us in life. And I would agree. Saying thank you and showing your appreciation to the closest relationships in your world is incredibly important. However, I notice in my own life that it is easy to overlook this simple step with the people I am closest with. And by that I mean in my home. In the workplace, where I am trying to impress you, I find it easy to spread around the thanks and the ata-boys, but at home where I am not so concerned with impressing, I can tend to take things for granted.
When I think of forging strong, long lasting relationships, both at home and out in the world I find that I need to sail right past a simple thank you and instead develop a heart of gratefulness. Being genuinely grateful for the people and the circumstances of my life is what moves me beyond acts of appreciation (like saying thank you) and instead develops in me an attitude of appreciation.
“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”
William Arthur Ward
Developing Your Grateful Heart
Gratefulness is a discipline and a habit. It needs to be practiced so that it becomes a heart attitude of your life and not just a sometime action expressed when you feel like it. Here are three things that I am trying to do to help develop my attitude of gratitude toward people and life.
- Write it down – either begin your week or end your week by making a simple list of 4-5 things you are grateful for in your life. More is better, but try to get at least five.
- Claim the names – place the names of the five most important relationships in your life on the list and write at least one thing you are grateful for about that person. If you can think of more than one thing, write it down, but find at least one thing for each person.
- Prepare to Share – make an opportunity to share with the people on your list the specific things that you are grateful for about them. If this is not a habit in your life already it may feel a bit odd to you and seem a bit odd to them as you begin to thank them and show your gratefulness. I recall telling my wife how grateful I was that she did our laundry each week. I recognized that my dirty clothes did not clean themselves and march back into my closet. I think she thought I had hit my head. Push through the odd feelings and make this a habit. You will not regret it.
The Tough Relationship
I once managed a group of sales people where I experienced a great relationship with everyone except Stan. No matter what I did our relationship just seemed to get more and more off track. If there is a struggling relationship in your life, someone that you just have a hard time with, then begin to make a list (Step #2 above) of things you are grateful for in them. It may be a struggle at first (as it was with Stan), but try and keep trying. I find that the more you try to find the good in someone the more difficult it is to see the bad. When you can make a gratefulness list about a person you will see them in a different and more positive light. As I struggled to develop a short list on Stan I noticed that my attitude began to change in a positive way toward him. What I learned is that it is very difficult to be sideways with someone you are grateful for.
You cannot be grateful and bitter.
You cannot be grateful and unhappy.
You cannot be grateful and without hope.
You cannot be grateful and unloving.
So just be grateful.
