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Have you ever just lost it with someone? Your spouse? One of your children? Someone else’s children? You parents? A co-worker? Your boss? I am guessing it happens to all of us from time to time when some expectation is not met or they do something that you really just do not understand. In this final lesson on Relationships 101 I would like to share with you my greatest single learning in the area of building strong relationships. It has been tough in the learning and, in fact, I am still learning it. On the surface it seems so simple and so insignificant that you will want to brush it aside by quickly acknowledging, “Yeah, I do that”. I would like to encourage you to be honest and check yourself on this one because most people I know struggle at some level with living in an understanding way with others. Especially with others that live under the same roof.
What Is It?
Living in an understanding way simply means that I allow you to live and make mistakes and struggle without making it about me and my expectations. If I asked you to describe what you think that looks like you might use words like – patience, kindness, mercy, gentleness, grace. It is easy to see when someone is not living this way with those they are most closely linked. It looks like, impatience, intolerance, anger, disgust. The way I see it coming out of me is when I am quick to judge someone’s motive as negative, my words are short and caustic, my patience is thin, and my tone is harsh. I notice I don’t go to this place so quickly at work as I do at home. Actually, I probably do, but I keep my mouth shut more at work than I do at home. Ouch!
Why is this Difficult?
So, why do I default to a non-understanding way with others? I think it comes from a few obvious traits that we can all adapt if we are not careful. Those traits are selfishness, pride and thinking too highly of myself. Somehow I adopt an attitude of superiority and a mindset that I deserve more. In one word, I want CONTROL.
What to Do!
Here is what I have decided to do and what I would ask you to consider. I also welcome your input on other ways to live with others in a more understanding way.
- Let others be who they are not who I expect them to be – we all have expectations of others, good, bad, it doesn’t matter. If I can just let you be you I find that it is much easier to get along. I don’t have to understand you to be understanding toward you.
- Increase the importance of others – this might also be worded as “reduce the importance of me”. If I really care about someone and want a strong relationship with them then becoming less so they can become more is not all that difficult.
- Allow others to make mistakes – it is so easy to become judgmental of the actions others take, especially when they fail or make a mistake. I am learning that providing grace to others and allowing them to struggle, learn and grow on their own is a great way to show understanding. I don’t have to understand why you do the things you do to be understanding toward you.
- Master the pause – you do not need to say everything that you think. Really! I know that is hard to believe, but it is true. I am learning that pausing before speaking allows me to determine if I am being understanding or if I am being judgmental.
- Dare to be dumb – I am learning that if ask questions, even questions I think I already know the answer to, I can be more understanding than if I speak in direct statements. My direct statements, combined with a certain tone of voice come across as judgmental and harsh. Questions allow me to come across as at least trying to be understanding.
The bottom line for me has been that this is an intentional choice I make on whether I am going to honor those I am closest with or if I am going to honor me. I am learning that it is OK to not understand why you act, say and do the things you do. I do not need to understand to be understanding. Being understanding is a choice.
