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I had a friend once tell me what a great communicator I was. Funny thing was that he was doing all the talking. How can that be? I think it all goes back to what I learned so many years ago at my father’s urging me to read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. If you really want to make more friends and become a stronger influence in the lives of others you need to make them feel valued. The number one way I have found to make someone feel valued is to listen to them.
The Practice Field
Since I am on airplanes a lot I find that I have a built in practice facility for developing the skill of listening and showing value to others. I try not to be the obnoxious seatmate who won’t shut up, but if a conversation starts I want to use it to practice my communication skills.
To become a great communicator you need to remember that most people are interested in three things: themselves, their pleasures and their problems. If you can keep this in mind it will help when you feel the need to talk about yourself. When you can get people talking about themselves they are drawn to you. And why not, you are talking about their favorite subject. Here are some tips to help improve your communication skills:
1. Be the initiator – it is often easy just to sit back and say nothing, but that does do anything to increase your ability to influence and make friends. Step up and say hi. Start the conversation.
2. Ask good questions – I love to see how much I can learn about someone before they ever think to ask something about me. It’s a little game I play. This requires me to have a couple of good starting questions to get the ball rolling. What brings you here today? Do you come here often? What kind of business are you in?
3. Listen with rapt attention – not just paying attention, but with rapt attention. Rapt is often associated with the word “fascinated”. Can you listen to someone as if you were fascinated by what they are saying? Sounds easy, try it at home first. If you can do this you will be able to come up with your next set of questions to keep the conversation moving. When I can do this I almost always learn something new. Try it.
4. Resist the temptation to top their story – this is really difficult for me. If you are listening with rapt attention it is easy to think about times when you have done something similar to what they are describing. The worst thing is to hear them say they you did something and your first thought is, “oh, that’s nothing, you should have seen me when I ….” Nothing kills a growing communication skill than always feeling the need to top someone story.
It takes focus and concentration to not jump into your story or into discussing your interests, but it really pays off when it comes to making friends and positively influencing others. I have learned over the many years that if you can become less so that they can become more you end up with a large group of people that love being around you and tell others what a great communicator you are.
