I was invited to give a short talk this week to kick-off a one month program for a non-profit organization where I am fortunate to be able to serve. It was the opening day of a four-week program with students that had come from various cultures and wanted to learn how to serve and lead in cultures other than their own around the world. My part was supposed to be an icebreaker session where I help them all get to know each other (I get to come back in two weeks to talk about leadership). During this icebreaker time I had asked them to interview the person sitting next to them and then introduce that person to the rest of the audience. I like this exercise because when you introduce yourself you are very selective about what you share. When someone else interviews you and then introduces you the audience learns all kinds of things they never would have known. This had the makings of a very uncomfortable situation, but I give them credit, I only heard a small groan and then they got down to the interviewing.
As I watched them with their notepads out and a leaning-in posture it occurred to me that they were deeply interested in what the other person had to say. Why is this? Well, in some cases I’m sure they were genuinely interested in meeting someone new; but in many more cases I am pretty sure there was the fact that they would soon be presenting this person to the group and that carried some pressure with it. Either way, it gave me the desired result I was looking for; get to know someone in the group really quickly; uncover things about this person that they would never share if they were going to introduce themselves; and stop talking about you and begin talking about them.
It’s Not About You
The exercise had the intended result. We took a time slot that would have been me thinking about me and how I can make me seem incredibly interesting and important. That’s enough about me, what do you think about me? Instead we allowed everyone present to put their focus on another person. This was the life-lesson of the day for these young leaders. If leadership is influence and you want to increase your influence over others then stop talking about you and start talking about them.
When I was about 15 years old my father asked me read “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, by Dale Carnegie. Did I use the word “ask”? I was being nice. He MADE me read this book. He insisted that I talk with him about it as I read it so there was no faking it or skimming it. As a 15-year old focused only on surviving the school day so I could get to sports, reading any book would be challenge enough. To read a book by some old guy in the business world about making friends would be sheer torture. But my dad can be very, hmmm, let’s call it “persuasive”. I read the book. I reported on the book. I loved the book. What did he just say?? I loved the book! Dad, if you are reading along, thank you. You changed my life.
Does that sound a little over the top? You changed my life by making me read a book? It might sound a little hokey, but it is true. What I have learned, that my dad already knew, is that all of life is relationships. All of life is about people. No matter what you do or where you do it there will be people involved in the beginning, the middle and the end. Your ability to relate and communicate with people will be the difference maker in every endeavor you undertake.
Winning Friends
Denis Waitley once said, “The greatest communication skill is paying value to others.” That really pretty much sums it up. If you can find a way in your relating with other people to communicate their value to them you will never lack for friends. People want to be valued. Before I tell you the ways you can increase someone’s value and win more friends, let me tell you the biggest obstacle most of us face in being able to do this on a regular basis; we allow ourselves to become “I”-maniacs.
In his book, Dale Carnegie tells of a study done by the phone company looking at what was the most frequently used word in telephone conversations. You guessed it, “I”. When you see a group photograph that you are in, whose picture do you look for first? When I find myself slipping into this “I” talking style I find that I am trying to impress others and this trying to impress others is not going to win over or influence anyone. It does not communicate another person value to them; it is a feeble attempt to convey my value to them.
Here are my suggestions, taken in part from Dale Carnegie’s ideas, on how to make new friends, keep old friends and influence people in all areas of your life:
- Initiate conversations – Once, on a long road trip with extended family, my wife and my 4-year old niece came walking back to the car from a restroom stop. As they got in the car the 4-year old asked my wife, “How did you know that woman?” (My wife had been talking with a woman in the restroom as they were waiting their turn.) “I didn’t know her, I was just being friendly”, came my wife’s reply. Don’t wait for others to engage you. Be friendly. Smile. Start a conversation.
- Ask great questions – The easiest way to stay away from becoming an “I”-maniac is to ask great questions. Much like I asked the young people in the meeting this week to interview their colleague, we need to become interviewers of others. This leads to the next idea which is:
- Take a genuine interest in others – When the young people were interviewing for the purpose of introducing their partner, they had a great interest in the other person. It wasn’t as much genuine as it was fear-based. I have to introduce them and I don’t want to embarrass them or me in the process, so I had better pay attention and ask good questions. When you talk with people picture yourself getting the opportunity to introduce them to a large audience. Base your questions on uncovering who they really are and what value they bring to the group.
- Be a good listener – The fastest way to show value to another human being is to listen to them. Whether it is a child, a spouse, or a friend, truly listening to them is the key to winning them as a friend and communicating that you value them. Most people think they are good listeners, but the truth is that listening, truly listening is an art and requires constant exercise and practice. No matter how good you think you are you can get better, so work at it. Good listeners can ask great questions to show that they are hearing and trying to fully understand. Give it a try.
- Listen more than you talk – I find that for me, the more I am talking the less value I am showing to the other person. When I am talking it is usually about me or something I am doing. I am in some way trying to make myself seem important. This is anti-making friends and influencing people. It is OK to answer questions posed by the other person, but try to quickly return the conversation to them. If you are genuinely interested in them, this will not be difficult to do.
You want to see something entertaining you should watch two people both with these five attributes in a conversation with each other. Each is determined to win and influence the other. Each keeps directing the conversation back to the other. Each wants to other to feel valued and important. It is like a chess match where each is trying to out-value the other. What a world we would live in if the first goal of every individual was to make another individual feel valued and appreciated.
Question: What ways have you found to win friends and influence people?
